Loss

This is one of the hardest times I can recall in my life.

Another miscarriage... but this time it was at the worst time possible.

I'm alone.

And when I say that, no one seems to understand what I mean.

"you have friends. You have family. You aren't alone. All these people care about you, and are there if you need someone."

Are any of them my son, whom I am not allowed to have contact with? Whom I have not had contact with in almost 2 years?
Are any of them my other step children whom I love as my own and did nothing to deserve them to be kept from me?
Are these people I'm surrounded by going to insult my husband? Or tell me how I need to move on from him and not care about him and how bad he is for me... Are they going to tell me how I deserve better...
Are they going to hold me and comfort me the way my husband does?
Are they going mourn the loss of another baby with me... even though they don't like or approve of the father of these children?


The only time I have truly felt better is in my husbands arms, or trapped in laughter with him, on the bike escaping the world with him, watching him work the way he does... He is my anti-depressant.
But we are not back together. We don't live together. We have responsibilities. So, I can't wrap myself up in him until the pain goes away forever.

I leave his side and I am alone. Because no one besides my best friend understands how I feel and/or what I need. He knows me and he loves me. No one else can be him. No one else can take his place. However, my son would be an amazing substitute... I miss him so much. I held a child until she fell asleep yesterday, and knowing that I comforted her that much... made me cry... I will never have that with my own child. There will never be a tiny human who only wants me... My son was the closest I will ever come and I can't even see him now. He probably doesn't feel anything for me now. He probably doesn't even call me mom anymore. Everything hurts. I feel very negative about life in general. In case you can't tell.
I don't have a mom to comfort me.
I am keeping some pretty dark feelings trapped inside and I know I shouldn't but who the hell do I tell? Who can I tell that won't judge me or treat me different for feeling so very hurt...

How long am I going to feel this way?

I have come so far. And opening up my heart has caused me to hurt this bad and now I don't know how to stop the pain. I don't know how to shut it off without shutting it all off and I don't want to do that. Loving my husband the way he deserves to be loved, the way I have always feared to love, feels amazing and I don't want to take that from either of us.... but how long am I going to hurt like this? What if it doesn't go away? How do I heal?...

I cry in my car on the way to work and home and anywhere else. I cry at home. I sit on my bed and just ball until my head hurts and my eyes hurt and I can't breathe. I cry until I pass out when I am alone. I started to cry in my husbands chest the other night, but he started to play with my hair and it calmed me down completely... but he can't hold me 24/7. Seriously.

I don't know how to move on.

I want to hurt myself. But I won't. I don't want anyone else to hurt, so I just keep going in misery for everyone else to be content.

But I want to. That's how bad this hurts. I feel broken. And alone. I feel like giving up on everything and everyone. Which makes me more angry because I have come so far and I am so proud of myself and I love who I have become... but here I really feel hopeless... I have never felt so lost... like I don't belong anywhere... to anyone... it hurts so bad

Lost & Found 2016

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing lately, like I used to… I found one of my old journals. It was a graduation gift from my favorite high school teacher, who believed in my writing ability. I filled the entire journal, and I kept it hidden away all of these years. I graduated in June of 2002. Here it is the end of 2016. The end of yet another chapter. I tried to continue writing, but for years I was lost. I wrote randomly. A poem here, a journal entry there, a prayer or two, a short story to make someone laugh… but it just wouldn’t stay… that will I used to have to write every single day. The past couple of years I have been wanting desperately to create something new, unique and beautiful... anything at all… a painting, a story, a drawing, a cartoon character, a dreamcatcher… anything… where has my imagination gone? I see them… I see the paintings being created in my mind. I see the brush touch the canvas and just unleash an ultimately unique work of art. I see the chalk pastels blend together… I see the pen hit the paper and my fingers hit the keyboard… but… when I pick up the brush and dip it in the paint… nothing happens. When I start to write my hand starts to cramp. When I put the chalk pastels to the paper, the chalk just blows away as if it had never been there…. What has happened… Where has it gone… Where has my imagination gone?

I recently sorted through my trunk of memories, which by the way is literally a trunk, and I disposed of many things. I tossed pictures, old journals, letters, all kinds of things I just didn’t need to hold onto. I had decided that morning that I only wanted the memories I share with my husband and his children, my children. It felt liberating. I felt like I could breathe when I was done. I had held onto way too much, way too many bad memories. I held onto those bad memories because I was told at a very young age that I wouldn’t deserve anything better. I was told that I wouldn’t do well or go far, no one was going to love me, I would only be good for sex and nothing more, I was going to fail, it was always going to be my fault… and much more. So I spent the majority of my life convinced that every good thing that came along, I would eventually destroy. With that stuck in my head, my heart was constantly sad. I was always depressed because I was absolutely convinced that I was going to destroy it anyhow, and eventually I did… This took my husband from me.

This was our number one problem. He loved me. He looked at me with a sparkle in his eyes that made me melt. I felt safer in his arms then anywhere else in the world. His kiss made me lose my breath... In my entire life, the happiest times that I can tell anyone about are all involving him and and his children. I feel the same about my husband as I do about the sunrise and sunset, they are the most beautiful things in the world and they take my breath away… as does he. I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if I will ever write like I once did. I don’t know if I will ever create beautiful artwork like I once did. I don’t know if I will ever be in my husbands arms again. I just don't know. What I do know, is that he inspires me to be the best version of myself, and that used to confuse and scare me. I didn’t feel that I deserved that.

As the end of 2016 closes in, I have forced myself to recall who I was when this year began. I was in transition. I was in the midst of some of the biggest changes of my life, on my own. I spent countless days alone. I would work and go home and sit in the dark and think. Many will tell you that you can’t find yourself in the dark, and I don’t know how I feel about that statement. I found myself sitting there and I changed because of it…. Wouldn’t that constitute as “finding oneself in the dark” … I got up one day and changed it all. I began to fight back. I was battling the voices in my head and the ones in my heart. I started working out in the mornings and working harder at work. I got out of situations and “friendships” that were toxic for me and moved until I was in a healthy place. During all of this I got myself to a point where I don’t hate myself anymore. I am no longer the girl I was. I am now the woman I want to be. The only thing missing is my husband and his children. We have developed a great friendship and are going to continue to do so, but my husband is not by my side. I can only hope for the opportunity to make it all up to him. I hope to spend the rest of our lives together so that I can make it up to him every day. I wake up and for the first moment I smile, until I roll over and realize he isn’t next to me, then I am sad for a moment. That moment passes though, because as I fully wake up I am reminded that I am still alive and have another day to show my husband how much better life will be, how much better I am, how much more alive I am and myself than ever before. I have another day to feel an amazing, life changing, breathtaking, heart warming love that I took for granted, didn’t fully understand and feared for so many years.

Look at that… He inspires me to write.

We didn't keep in touch for a while there, he and I. It was hard. I was confused and angry, and I think he was as well. I never should have listened to those people, especially my dad. I love and respect my dad very much, but him being on his third marriage (which isn't going very well) I should never have let him get into my head. I never should have let anyone guilt me. But this past year ad a half since my husband and I have been apart, I have grown a back bone. No one guilt's me. No one makes me feel like my feelings are invalid or wrong. I am who I am and I love who I am. The only opinion that matters to me is my husband's opinion. I refuse to let anyone tell me not to live. I am tired of not living because it isn't what someone else thinks I should do... this is my life. I have found my life. I will continue to fight for my husband and the chance to be a good wife to him, and if that never happens... well... that isn't today... so it doesn't matter. That "if" does not matter.

Today...
Today I love me. I love my husband. I love my son. I love my stepchildren. I love my friends. I love my home. I love my cats. I love my job. I love my car, even though it's a ford. I love life. I love that I woke up this morning and felt alive. I may have lost a lot through out my life, but in the year of 2016, I found me.

Christmas Time

What does Christmas time make YOU think of??

It makes me think of a million things.

     This year I thought more about it's original meaning, which made me feel so much more grateful and giving than ever before.... it's a wonderful feeling! I learned more about Jesus' birth, and I am so glad! Our church played this yesterday evening (Christmas Eve) and ya know... it works. It's educational, funny, adorable... and true.

     But after it all is said and done... (this evening as I sit on the edge of my bed, in my apartment alone with just my kitties...) I feel a strange loneliness type feeling. It's nothing like anything I've felt before. It started while I was shoveling the sidewalk actually haha. The snow was falling quietly and calmly and the roads were silent and the Christmas lights were glowing all around. The fact that I was able to appreciate thos calm and relaxing moments, made me feel grateful for the person who taught me... And I suddenly had this feeling in the pit of my stomach... and I'v carried it with me for the past hour and a half now.
     I don't mean to seem any kind of ungrateful, God has truly blessed me. I have Jesus in my heart, wonderful friends, a very loving family (both here, at church, and distant as well.) I have a roof over my head, food in my cupboards, a job, my son....  but... there is still something missing.
     I no longer like to ask the question "Why," because I know in my heart that God has a plan and I don't want to question it.... but I am still learning and adjusting my ways and what not. So there are still some habits left to rid myself of. So I do catch myself asking "Why" on occasion... Like tonight. I find myself asking "Why do I feel this way? And why does the heart hold onto things that it knows will never be anything more than what it always has been?!!" Jerk.... yea I'm calling my heart a jerk. It just makes no sense sometimes.
     You ever look at someone you've known for a long time and suddenly your heart is saying "HEY! HEY YOU... YOU THERE!! HELLOOOOO!!!! What the HECK is WRONG with you.... You know... There was a time when you'd listen to me... and if you had just listened to me in the beginning than none of this would have happened! Go for it! I promise, if you just let ME lead you, you won't get hurt... I promise!"  .... Ever had that happen? No? Just me, huh? Figures. Stupid heart. I don't know why it thinks it's smarter than me (My Brain.) aww crap I just had a ummm.... I forgot the word at the moment. But I had one of those moments where I asked a serious question out of frustration that I have been asking for a long time and POOF.... I had the answer. No, it wasn't the question I had just typed here. I said to myself, "Why would you say that your brain is in control when this past year, you have done so much more with your heart leading than ever before in your life?" .... Figures. I'm having an entire arguement with myself and I'm sharing it all with you.... whoever you are out there. You ever feel like you walked into something you shouldn't have?? **whispers--> ruuuuuun..... **
     **Sigh.
     I miss things. And none of this will make sense to you out there. But that's ok. This is my vent. I miss the melting... the smiling eyes, the softness, the warmth, the comfort, the laughter... I went shopping by myself and it was like... I never forgot.... it was just... I hadn't thought about that much in a long time and I was afraid I would have trouble but I didn't. It was like... shopping for the person I know best. I miss that/ I miss being around that one person who knows me, my ins and outs, my likes, my dislikes... even all the things I never thought they knew or noticed.... in case you can't tell I'm talking about a relationship I miss.
     But it's so confusing. I don't know if maybe it's just me feeling sad for him, or worried for him, or what. Some things will never change. Never die. Never go away. But other things have changed. Like the fact that I am so happy with who I have become, I refuse to give it up! I refuse to let go of who I am now and what I have in my heart. My relationship with God is more important than any other! I will not let that go! If He wants me with someone, He will bring us together.
     Otherwise, I won't be trying to be with anyone. I don't need to. But God knows my heart better than I do myself. He knows how I feel, He knows that I miss my best friend. And that I worry for him. I pray that he finds what he needs, which I believe to be God and a good church family like what God has given to me. I pray that he allows Jesus into his heart and he lets it consume him and work in him the way He has in my heart. I pray this happens sooner than later. I pray God gives me the strength to help him any way I can. I pray that God guides my tongue and uses me to bring him closer to Him.
     God knows us each, better than we know ourselves. I have no doubt about this. I thank you Father, for all you have given me, for all you have blessed your children with. I thank you for loving me, even though I will be forever undeserving of your love. Thank you for sending your son to us. Thank you Jesus, for being faithful to us and loving us. In your Heavenly name, I pray, Amen.


Merry Christmas