Christmas Time

What does Christmas time make YOU think of??

It makes me think of a million things.

     This year I thought more about it's original meaning, which made me feel so much more grateful and giving than ever before.... it's a wonderful feeling! I learned more about Jesus' birth, and I am so glad! Our church played this yesterday evening (Christmas Eve) and ya know... it works. It's educational, funny, adorable... and true.

     But after it all is said and done... (this evening as I sit on the edge of my bed, in my apartment alone with just my kitties...) I feel a strange loneliness type feeling. It's nothing like anything I've felt before. It started while I was shoveling the sidewalk actually haha. The snow was falling quietly and calmly and the roads were silent and the Christmas lights were glowing all around. The fact that I was able to appreciate thos calm and relaxing moments, made me feel grateful for the person who taught me... And I suddenly had this feeling in the pit of my stomach... and I'v carried it with me for the past hour and a half now.
     I don't mean to seem any kind of ungrateful, God has truly blessed me. I have Jesus in my heart, wonderful friends, a very loving family (both here, at church, and distant as well.) I have a roof over my head, food in my cupboards, a job, my son....  but... there is still something missing.
     I no longer like to ask the question "Why," because I know in my heart that God has a plan and I don't want to question it.... but I am still learning and adjusting my ways and what not. So there are still some habits left to rid myself of. So I do catch myself asking "Why" on occasion... Like tonight. I find myself asking "Why do I feel this way? And why does the heart hold onto things that it knows will never be anything more than what it always has been?!!" Jerk.... yea I'm calling my heart a jerk. It just makes no sense sometimes.
     You ever look at someone you've known for a long time and suddenly your heart is saying "HEY! HEY YOU... YOU THERE!! HELLOOOOO!!!! What the HECK is WRONG with you.... You know... There was a time when you'd listen to me... and if you had just listened to me in the beginning than none of this would have happened! Go for it! I promise, if you just let ME lead you, you won't get hurt... I promise!"  .... Ever had that happen? No? Just me, huh? Figures. Stupid heart. I don't know why it thinks it's smarter than me (My Brain.) aww crap I just had a ummm.... I forgot the word at the moment. But I had one of those moments where I asked a serious question out of frustration that I have been asking for a long time and POOF.... I had the answer. No, it wasn't the question I had just typed here. I said to myself, "Why would you say that your brain is in control when this past year, you have done so much more with your heart leading than ever before in your life?" .... Figures. I'm having an entire arguement with myself and I'm sharing it all with you.... whoever you are out there. You ever feel like you walked into something you shouldn't have?? **whispers--> ruuuuuun..... **
     **Sigh.
     I miss things. And none of this will make sense to you out there. But that's ok. This is my vent. I miss the melting... the smiling eyes, the softness, the warmth, the comfort, the laughter... I went shopping by myself and it was like... I never forgot.... it was just... I hadn't thought about that much in a long time and I was afraid I would have trouble but I didn't. It was like... shopping for the person I know best. I miss that/ I miss being around that one person who knows me, my ins and outs, my likes, my dislikes... even all the things I never thought they knew or noticed.... in case you can't tell I'm talking about a relationship I miss.
     But it's so confusing. I don't know if maybe it's just me feeling sad for him, or worried for him, or what. Some things will never change. Never die. Never go away. But other things have changed. Like the fact that I am so happy with who I have become, I refuse to give it up! I refuse to let go of who I am now and what I have in my heart. My relationship with God is more important than any other! I will not let that go! If He wants me with someone, He will bring us together.
     Otherwise, I won't be trying to be with anyone. I don't need to. But God knows my heart better than I do myself. He knows how I feel, He knows that I miss my best friend. And that I worry for him. I pray that he finds what he needs, which I believe to be God and a good church family like what God has given to me. I pray that he allows Jesus into his heart and he lets it consume him and work in him the way He has in my heart. I pray this happens sooner than later. I pray God gives me the strength to help him any way I can. I pray that God guides my tongue and uses me to bring him closer to Him.
     God knows us each, better than we know ourselves. I have no doubt about this. I thank you Father, for all you have given me, for all you have blessed your children with. I thank you for loving me, even though I will be forever undeserving of your love. Thank you for sending your son to us. Thank you Jesus, for being faithful to us and loving us. In your Heavenly name, I pray, Amen.


Merry Christmas