Summer With a Bunch of Boys

     Friday, I had Tyler (12yrs old), Nicholas (9yrs old), Spencer (13yrs old), Tanner (8yrs old), Tynan (9yrs old), Mason (13yrs old), Donnie (11yrs old), Lincoln (6yrs old), Justin (11yrs old) in a big tent... Lincoln slept in the little one with me. We had a camp fire, made S'Mores, and played Ghosts in the Graveyard... it was awesome!
     During the day though, Tyler, Nicholas, Tanner, Mason, and Tynan all traveled through the river with me. We went through the woods behind my house (we all call "The Back 40") and ran straight into the river... it was beautiful... our own little Utopia... we kept finding clams, so we named it Clamtopia... it was fun. We got into the water, and trucked our way all the way back to my house, collecting clams as we went. Then we got back into the water by the bridge (by the fire department.) Under the bridge we started finding crayfish FINALLY! So we started collecting... but didn't have enough buckets, so I only caught one at a time... they were huge! And very colorful!! The boys were trying to trap a huge carp... very amusing.
     We decided to name this side of the river "Trashtopia" because there was trash everywhere you looked! Sick. People suck! We traveled down to the bridge by police station and I decided it was best to stop there because these are not my boys and the dam was just ahead. Too dangerous. No. So we turned back. We set up the tent and the other boys joined us and they all played football for a bit and what not, it was a good time. I'm glad I did it. It also kinda sucked at the same time because I didn't have another adult to enjoy it with me. Sure, Spencer and Tanners mom was there (they live downstairs) and her boyfriend was there as well... but they were NOT enjoying it. I don't know why people don't have the patience for that kinda stuff... I guess I'm just special. Anyway.
     I still have to go out there and take the tents down, I was exhausted yesterday and today I am waiting for the sun to go down. I hope I get to do this again before school starts up and after Donnie's casts come off, can't next weekend though because there is too much going on and I will have the other kids (the 5 I take care of in their home,) and I couldn't do this camping thing with the younger 2 of that group (2 and 4 years old, very demanding, and very naughty.) So hopefully the following weekend... we shall see.

TV & Reality

     I don't like television. It drives me nuts. BUT, there are some TV Series that I watch... but NOT on TV. haha. I know. Stupid. I watch True Blood, The Lying Game, Pretty Little Liars(PLL), Bones, Law & Order SVU, The Lost Girl, Once Upon a Time, Grimm, Hart of Dixie, Being Human, Drop Dead Diva (I've strayed off of it though because it's gotten stupid), and there are some new ones I am starting to like but haven't seen enough to know what's going on.
     I get bored, go on Netflix, and find a complete series to check out... watch all the seasons available if I like it, if I don't, I move on. True Blood, I buy the season when it comes out on DVD and then sell it to my friend Tricia. The rest, I watch on Hulu or wait til the season releases on Netflix.
     Recently, last weekend actually, I was house sitting for a friend who has HBO GO... I got caught up on True Blood, got bored, checked out Game of Thrones... now I'm HOOKED!! UGH! Another one!! BUT... I only got to episode 9 of the first season... so I have to spend a lot of time over there getting through 3 seasons so I can be caught up for when season 4 starts next month... oh boy. And I can't watch it while the kids are home or at least awake. SO... this is gonna be fun. I really like it though. It really helps me let go of reality. I think I found one I may possibly like more than all the others... SAAAWEEEET!
     I think I may read the Game of Thrones books... maybe. It's too late to read PLL books because The show has moved too far off the books and I like the show. So I will just stick with the show. I wonder how long it will be before it gets cheesy haha. Hart of Dixie is just adorable. Cuties all over the show, funny characters, adorable. Drop Dead Diva used to be fun and funny... but now I just find it lame, my personal opinion. The Lying Game is neat, cool concept n all. Law & Order SVU is just a given. lol.
     And then of course Once Upon a Time and Grimm and Being Human and The Lost Girl are all otherworldly things... I love that stuff. It just helps me escape reality. I really like what they've done with Once Upon a Time. They've taken all the Disney characters, fairy tales, all that, rolled them into one new age story... so cool. They've done a great job! Grimm is pretty much the same concept but the Grimm stories, which is equally as cool in my book. I wish the shows were less cheesy though. It's still cool. The Lost Girl is craziness, I love it, wish the show was longer than 30 minutes, but oh well, I'll take it. And Being Human, I like that one too, but it does get kinda boring for me at times.
     That's the point of all these shows, right? To help one to escape... escape to another reality. That's why I like reading. But once in a while I need to strain a little less so I'll watch a whole series instead of reading a book. I'm going to try desperately to not get bored enough to watch any new shows at all for any reason... that way I don't get sidetracked with anything new lol... we'll see how that works out.
     Currently... my background noise is the latest episode of PLL... I don't even need to really watch the actual episode, I listen, and if there is sudden gasping or whatever, I just hit the rewind lol. I really need to turn it off and get to work on something productive... but I'm tired today. Thinking to much.  Yesterday I got to spend the day with Donnie, my son. My boy... He is so funny... has all the good qualities of his dad... maybe that's part of the reason I can't seem to shake the love I have for Adam... maybe... I don't know... when I hear Adam laugh a real honest genuine laugh... it makes my heart melt... and I'm gonna just stop there because I don't need to think about my feelings for him. ANYWAY-- Donnie and I played some Mario Party, it was fun... different than our normal games lol. And we watched some Wipe Out, we always get a kick outa that show. Then we played some Rummy and he totally whooped my butt... he's so smart! He is in band camp this week, he is playing the trumpet like his Uncle Jakey. I'm proud of him. He is enjoying it. I'm so excited for him!!
     He's growing up so fast... I missed most of last year :(  I refuse to let that happen again. Adam and his home wrecker are supposedly moving out soon and hopefully we can get a regular schedule going for my visitation with Donnie. I need it on a regular schedule. I can't wait to be going to his band concerts!! YAY! Ugh, I can't wait to have myself on a regular schedule!! MAN! Getting up at the same time every day, get on my exercise bike regularly, eating meals on a regular schedule, going to sleep at the same time... ugh... can't wait. That is something I miss from living in Hustisford. I always had healthy food, healthy snacks, got on my bike every morning and every night, I lost like 20lbs in a month n a half... I need that schedule again. grr. I'll get there. I have faith!

Strange Brain

     I keep having these crazy dreams and I wake up at like 3am with all these idea's for art projects but then I pass right back out and can't remember all of it in the morning. It's weird. I have all this ambition building up inside of me, I'm working towards freeing myself in order to focus on my reading and faith. But in the process of working towards this... it's like I'm opening up more of the artistic area of my brain. I remember learning that the more the brain is stimulated, the more the brain takes in. I have absolutely no idea whether or not that has anything to do with this... just crossed my mind so I jotted it down.
     I'm doing this strange thing... I glance at something and for a split second I see the object outlined with pencil on white paper... it's strange I know... how do you think I feel?! And it's not just with new objects, I'm talking EVERYTHING... I just glanced up at the cat tower in my living room and saw it sketched on white paper. I have never heard of anything like this before. It creeps me out... especially when I look at other people and see THEM sketched... eeeeeven creepier... jussayin!
     I know I have always had a bit of a creative side, not like some super crafty or super artsy type of person with really awesome talent, but I've always doodled, much like most other people. I love to paint, color, make crafty things, use recycled materials to make things, I've always enjoyed drawing cartoon characters, and I have a knack for putting my feelings onto paper using oil pastels. But, this... this is just crazy. It's like I want to draw absolutely everything I see. I feel this really strong urge to create something new. I don't know anything about sewing but I see patterns and I'm suddenly designing a dress in my head... and I don't even wear dresses! Well, rarely, not since I've gained weight anyway. I see a neat house and BOOM, I'm doodling a layout for a house. Of course, these doodles are just that... Doodles.
     I have no idea what is going on with me. I'm creeped out yes, but I'm also enjoying it. I like creating new things. I have been writing more lately, trying to write every single day like I used to. I have been writing more poetry like I used to, short stories, blogging, and my prayer journal. I've been listening to more instrumental music and I often catch myself sitting very still trying to hear each instrument and the different tones and pitches... I've never been so... in tune with everything I see and hear... that's the part I am enjoying. I also chopped off my hair. just to try something new... I've never had a hair style like this before... ever... I need to touch it up a bit, but I'm loving it.
     I really wish I could sew. I have so many idea's for clothing, and I have a lot of material! I also have some pillows and what not I want to put together. Ugh. This is the part where I wish I had stayed in Tennessee because than Mama Jean could've taught me. Or, someone. Maybe I can find someone from church to spend some time teaching me... oh that's a great idea!! I'm gonna send out an email blast about it, yessss... thanks brain lol. My brain is always on overdrive... geeeeeees... I'm just glad I'm a nicer person now because it would be bad if my brain was on overdrive while I was angry and hateful and insensitive... maybe that's WHY my brain is all ADD now... because I AAAAAM happy finally... oooh... that makes sense.... still creeped out by some of these things though... jussayin

Bye Bye Hair... Bye Bye..

I'm chopping my hair off. For a really good reason.

There are too many worldly things that I am attached to, one of them being my hair. So I am going to chop it all off.

I was told once, when I was 60lbs lighter, that "short fat girls shouldn't have short hair cus it makes 'em look fatter." screw you old man at the grocery store. BUT, I don't care anymore. I need to find ways to focus and one of them is going to be getting rid of all my hair. I have only told one person the entire reason, this is just the gist of it. I am excited!! Because I am no longer nervous or worried about things like this. I am going to get things done. I am going to get somewhere. I am going to move forward with all of my plans in life... with God holding onto me and guiding me... no more distractions.

SO... deciding on the cut... because I don't want to just chop it randomly and I really don't want to shave it... or look entirely like a boy. SO... I am somewhat punk. I guess. I don't really know what people would consider me. I just call it punk because that's what I'm drawn to and everything I like and would buy if I could afford, is considered punk. so... I want something punk ISH I guess. I don't know... maybe I will just start... randomly cutting it... I jsut don't know... sigh

Dreams

Do you know what YOUR dreams mean?
Have you ever used one of those dream dictionaries?
I tried it once or twice... didn't work out well for me... maybe I was doing it wrong haha, I don't know.

     I have this issue... or thing... whatever. I have this thing about dreams. I rarely have a dream where there are people I actually know in it... but when I do see people I know in a dream, it's always intense and it always turns out to have something to do with my reality. Strange.
     I'll give you an example. January. I had this horrible dream that "C" and "A" teamed up and buried me alive. I woke up suffocating and freaking out.. of course... Two weeks later, "A" completely threw our friendship out the window because of "C" and he ate it up because no one could occupy me anymore.       September 2012, right before my wedding anniversary. I had a horrible nightmare about my husband sleeping with his current (used to be my friend) and I busted them and they laughed in my face. just a few weeks later, he handed me divorce papers, and within a couple weeks, they were sleeping together again. Those are just 2 of the ones that stand out to me right now.
     They don't happen very often. Last night I woke up sweating with a horrible feeling. I had a dream that I was at the races and "B" and "D" were there and I grabbed her by the hair and dragged her out  to the track and threw her in during a race. But I don't hate her anymore. I'm not even mad at her anymore. I don't get it... I don't think I would ever do something like that to her. And I don't foresee there being the opportunity either because I'm not planning on attending the races...

Another one that has never failed... is every time I have a sex dream. Every single one of them... well... the details don't always match the dream... but yea. I shouldn't talk about those anyhow.

     Anyway. This one night, I was dreaming and I half woke up and could see everything around me and feel everything but felt like I was still in my dream... and I punched my ex in the arm three times... he claims it was the chest and that I was awake... lol... but whatever. I still crack up over that, I was still half dreaming, so I see his arm... I was dreaming. Sorry... makes for a good laugh anyway. I used to sleep walk when I was like 5 or 6. Apparently I traveled the neighborhood haha.
     There are certain dreams that have been reoccurring my entire life. Nightmares too. Like this one about a certain person controlling me in grammar school and making me sit on the floor in front of his chair in the cafeteria and not being allowed to speak or look at anyone. I still have that one. Or this one about me falling off of the top of a semi-trailer while the semi was driving on the interstate... I physically feel that one when I'm waking up... oh gees... ugh... There are so many... it's crazy how our minds work in our sleep. I read somewhere that you often dream about what you have shoved in the back of your mind... but that's not usually the case for me. weird