Loss

This is one of the hardest times I can recall in my life.

Another miscarriage... but this time it was at the worst time possible.

I'm alone.

And when I say that, no one seems to understand what I mean.

"you have friends. You have family. You aren't alone. All these people care about you, and are there if you need someone."

Are any of them my son, whom I am not allowed to have contact with? Whom I have not had contact with in almost 2 years?
Are any of them my other step children whom I love as my own and did nothing to deserve them to be kept from me?
Are these people I'm surrounded by going to insult my husband? Or tell me how I need to move on from him and not care about him and how bad he is for me... Are they going to tell me how I deserve better...
Are they going to hold me and comfort me the way my husband does?
Are they going mourn the loss of another baby with me... even though they don't like or approve of the father of these children?


The only time I have truly felt better is in my husbands arms, or trapped in laughter with him, on the bike escaping the world with him, watching him work the way he does... He is my anti-depressant.
But we are not back together. We don't live together. We have responsibilities. So, I can't wrap myself up in him until the pain goes away forever.

I leave his side and I am alone. Because no one besides my best friend understands how I feel and/or what I need. He knows me and he loves me. No one else can be him. No one else can take his place. However, my son would be an amazing substitute... I miss him so much. I held a child until she fell asleep yesterday, and knowing that I comforted her that much... made me cry... I will never have that with my own child. There will never be a tiny human who only wants me... My son was the closest I will ever come and I can't even see him now. He probably doesn't feel anything for me now. He probably doesn't even call me mom anymore. Everything hurts. I feel very negative about life in general. In case you can't tell.
I don't have a mom to comfort me.
I am keeping some pretty dark feelings trapped inside and I know I shouldn't but who the hell do I tell? Who can I tell that won't judge me or treat me different for feeling so very hurt...

How long am I going to feel this way?

I have come so far. And opening up my heart has caused me to hurt this bad and now I don't know how to stop the pain. I don't know how to shut it off without shutting it all off and I don't want to do that. Loving my husband the way he deserves to be loved, the way I have always feared to love, feels amazing and I don't want to take that from either of us.... but how long am I going to hurt like this? What if it doesn't go away? How do I heal?...

I cry in my car on the way to work and home and anywhere else. I cry at home. I sit on my bed and just ball until my head hurts and my eyes hurt and I can't breathe. I cry until I pass out when I am alone. I started to cry in my husbands chest the other night, but he started to play with my hair and it calmed me down completely... but he can't hold me 24/7. Seriously.

I don't know how to move on.

I want to hurt myself. But I won't. I don't want anyone else to hurt, so I just keep going in misery for everyone else to be content.

But I want to. That's how bad this hurts. I feel broken. And alone. I feel like giving up on everything and everyone. Which makes me more angry because I have come so far and I am so proud of myself and I love who I have become... but here I really feel hopeless... I have never felt so lost... like I don't belong anywhere... to anyone... it hurts so bad

Summer With a Bunch of Boys

     Friday, I had Tyler (12yrs old), Nicholas (9yrs old), Spencer (13yrs old), Tanner (8yrs old), Tynan (9yrs old), Mason (13yrs old), Donnie (11yrs old), Lincoln (6yrs old), Justin (11yrs old) in a big tent... Lincoln slept in the little one with me. We had a camp fire, made S'Mores, and played Ghosts in the Graveyard... it was awesome!
     During the day though, Tyler, Nicholas, Tanner, Mason, and Tynan all traveled through the river with me. We went through the woods behind my house (we all call "The Back 40") and ran straight into the river... it was beautiful... our own little Utopia... we kept finding clams, so we named it Clamtopia... it was fun. We got into the water, and trucked our way all the way back to my house, collecting clams as we went. Then we got back into the water by the bridge (by the fire department.) Under the bridge we started finding crayfish FINALLY! So we started collecting... but didn't have enough buckets, so I only caught one at a time... they were huge! And very colorful!! The boys were trying to trap a huge carp... very amusing.
     We decided to name this side of the river "Trashtopia" because there was trash everywhere you looked! Sick. People suck! We traveled down to the bridge by police station and I decided it was best to stop there because these are not my boys and the dam was just ahead. Too dangerous. No. So we turned back. We set up the tent and the other boys joined us and they all played football for a bit and what not, it was a good time. I'm glad I did it. It also kinda sucked at the same time because I didn't have another adult to enjoy it with me. Sure, Spencer and Tanners mom was there (they live downstairs) and her boyfriend was there as well... but they were NOT enjoying it. I don't know why people don't have the patience for that kinda stuff... I guess I'm just special. Anyway.
     I still have to go out there and take the tents down, I was exhausted yesterday and today I am waiting for the sun to go down. I hope I get to do this again before school starts up and after Donnie's casts come off, can't next weekend though because there is too much going on and I will have the other kids (the 5 I take care of in their home,) and I couldn't do this camping thing with the younger 2 of that group (2 and 4 years old, very demanding, and very naughty.) So hopefully the following weekend... we shall see.