Loss

This is one of the hardest times I can recall in my life.

Another miscarriage... but this time it was at the worst time possible.

I'm alone.

And when I say that, no one seems to understand what I mean.

"you have friends. You have family. You aren't alone. All these people care about you, and are there if you need someone."

Are any of them my son, whom I am not allowed to have contact with? Whom I have not had contact with in almost 2 years?
Are any of them my other step children whom I love as my own and did nothing to deserve them to be kept from me?
Are these people I'm surrounded by going to insult my husband? Or tell me how I need to move on from him and not care about him and how bad he is for me... Are they going to tell me how I deserve better...
Are they going to hold me and comfort me the way my husband does?
Are they going mourn the loss of another baby with me... even though they don't like or approve of the father of these children?


The only time I have truly felt better is in my husbands arms, or trapped in laughter with him, on the bike escaping the world with him, watching him work the way he does... He is my anti-depressant.
But we are not back together. We don't live together. We have responsibilities. So, I can't wrap myself up in him until the pain goes away forever.

I leave his side and I am alone. Because no one besides my best friend understands how I feel and/or what I need. He knows me and he loves me. No one else can be him. No one else can take his place. However, my son would be an amazing substitute... I miss him so much. I held a child until she fell asleep yesterday, and knowing that I comforted her that much... made me cry... I will never have that with my own child. There will never be a tiny human who only wants me... My son was the closest I will ever come and I can't even see him now. He probably doesn't feel anything for me now. He probably doesn't even call me mom anymore. Everything hurts. I feel very negative about life in general. In case you can't tell.
I don't have a mom to comfort me.
I am keeping some pretty dark feelings trapped inside and I know I shouldn't but who the hell do I tell? Who can I tell that won't judge me or treat me different for feeling so very hurt...

How long am I going to feel this way?

I have come so far. And opening up my heart has caused me to hurt this bad and now I don't know how to stop the pain. I don't know how to shut it off without shutting it all off and I don't want to do that. Loving my husband the way he deserves to be loved, the way I have always feared to love, feels amazing and I don't want to take that from either of us.... but how long am I going to hurt like this? What if it doesn't go away? How do I heal?...

I cry in my car on the way to work and home and anywhere else. I cry at home. I sit on my bed and just ball until my head hurts and my eyes hurt and I can't breathe. I cry until I pass out when I am alone. I started to cry in my husbands chest the other night, but he started to play with my hair and it calmed me down completely... but he can't hold me 24/7. Seriously.

I don't know how to move on.

I want to hurt myself. But I won't. I don't want anyone else to hurt, so I just keep going in misery for everyone else to be content.

But I want to. That's how bad this hurts. I feel broken. And alone. I feel like giving up on everything and everyone. Which makes me more angry because I have come so far and I am so proud of myself and I love who I have become... but here I really feel hopeless... I have never felt so lost... like I don't belong anywhere... to anyone... it hurts so bad

Strange Brain

     I keep having these crazy dreams and I wake up at like 3am with all these idea's for art projects but then I pass right back out and can't remember all of it in the morning. It's weird. I have all this ambition building up inside of me, I'm working towards freeing myself in order to focus on my reading and faith. But in the process of working towards this... it's like I'm opening up more of the artistic area of my brain. I remember learning that the more the brain is stimulated, the more the brain takes in. I have absolutely no idea whether or not that has anything to do with this... just crossed my mind so I jotted it down.
     I'm doing this strange thing... I glance at something and for a split second I see the object outlined with pencil on white paper... it's strange I know... how do you think I feel?! And it's not just with new objects, I'm talking EVERYTHING... I just glanced up at the cat tower in my living room and saw it sketched on white paper. I have never heard of anything like this before. It creeps me out... especially when I look at other people and see THEM sketched... eeeeeven creepier... jussayin!
     I know I have always had a bit of a creative side, not like some super crafty or super artsy type of person with really awesome talent, but I've always doodled, much like most other people. I love to paint, color, make crafty things, use recycled materials to make things, I've always enjoyed drawing cartoon characters, and I have a knack for putting my feelings onto paper using oil pastels. But, this... this is just crazy. It's like I want to draw absolutely everything I see. I feel this really strong urge to create something new. I don't know anything about sewing but I see patterns and I'm suddenly designing a dress in my head... and I don't even wear dresses! Well, rarely, not since I've gained weight anyway. I see a neat house and BOOM, I'm doodling a layout for a house. Of course, these doodles are just that... Doodles.
     I have no idea what is going on with me. I'm creeped out yes, but I'm also enjoying it. I like creating new things. I have been writing more lately, trying to write every single day like I used to. I have been writing more poetry like I used to, short stories, blogging, and my prayer journal. I've been listening to more instrumental music and I often catch myself sitting very still trying to hear each instrument and the different tones and pitches... I've never been so... in tune with everything I see and hear... that's the part I am enjoying. I also chopped off my hair. just to try something new... I've never had a hair style like this before... ever... I need to touch it up a bit, but I'm loving it.
     I really wish I could sew. I have so many idea's for clothing, and I have a lot of material! I also have some pillows and what not I want to put together. Ugh. This is the part where I wish I had stayed in Tennessee because than Mama Jean could've taught me. Or, someone. Maybe I can find someone from church to spend some time teaching me... oh that's a great idea!! I'm gonna send out an email blast about it, yessss... thanks brain lol. My brain is always on overdrive... geeeeeees... I'm just glad I'm a nicer person now because it would be bad if my brain was on overdrive while I was angry and hateful and insensitive... maybe that's WHY my brain is all ADD now... because I AAAAAM happy finally... oooh... that makes sense.... still creeped out by some of these things though... jussayin