Loss

This is one of the hardest times I can recall in my life.

Another miscarriage... but this time it was at the worst time possible.

I'm alone.

And when I say that, no one seems to understand what I mean.

"you have friends. You have family. You aren't alone. All these people care about you, and are there if you need someone."

Are any of them my son, whom I am not allowed to have contact with? Whom I have not had contact with in almost 2 years?
Are any of them my other step children whom I love as my own and did nothing to deserve them to be kept from me?
Are these people I'm surrounded by going to insult my husband? Or tell me how I need to move on from him and not care about him and how bad he is for me... Are they going to tell me how I deserve better...
Are they going to hold me and comfort me the way my husband does?
Are they going mourn the loss of another baby with me... even though they don't like or approve of the father of these children?


The only time I have truly felt better is in my husbands arms, or trapped in laughter with him, on the bike escaping the world with him, watching him work the way he does... He is my anti-depressant.
But we are not back together. We don't live together. We have responsibilities. So, I can't wrap myself up in him until the pain goes away forever.

I leave his side and I am alone. Because no one besides my best friend understands how I feel and/or what I need. He knows me and he loves me. No one else can be him. No one else can take his place. However, my son would be an amazing substitute... I miss him so much. I held a child until she fell asleep yesterday, and knowing that I comforted her that much... made me cry... I will never have that with my own child. There will never be a tiny human who only wants me... My son was the closest I will ever come and I can't even see him now. He probably doesn't feel anything for me now. He probably doesn't even call me mom anymore. Everything hurts. I feel very negative about life in general. In case you can't tell.
I don't have a mom to comfort me.
I am keeping some pretty dark feelings trapped inside and I know I shouldn't but who the hell do I tell? Who can I tell that won't judge me or treat me different for feeling so very hurt...

How long am I going to feel this way?

I have come so far. And opening up my heart has caused me to hurt this bad and now I don't know how to stop the pain. I don't know how to shut it off without shutting it all off and I don't want to do that. Loving my husband the way he deserves to be loved, the way I have always feared to love, feels amazing and I don't want to take that from either of us.... but how long am I going to hurt like this? What if it doesn't go away? How do I heal?...

I cry in my car on the way to work and home and anywhere else. I cry at home. I sit on my bed and just ball until my head hurts and my eyes hurt and I can't breathe. I cry until I pass out when I am alone. I started to cry in my husbands chest the other night, but he started to play with my hair and it calmed me down completely... but he can't hold me 24/7. Seriously.

I don't know how to move on.

I want to hurt myself. But I won't. I don't want anyone else to hurt, so I just keep going in misery for everyone else to be content.

But I want to. That's how bad this hurts. I feel broken. And alone. I feel like giving up on everything and everyone. Which makes me more angry because I have come so far and I am so proud of myself and I love who I have become... but here I really feel hopeless... I have never felt so lost... like I don't belong anywhere... to anyone... it hurts so bad

New Recipe's

I keep trying new recipes. Latest, Crock Pot Italian Chicken.... oh yeah baby... A friend had pinned it on Pintrest and told me about it, only calls for 4 ingredients thrown into a crock pot... so naturally I was ready to try it out! So I checked it out on Pintrest. Calls for 4 pieces of chicken, 1 packet of Italian dressing, 1 package of Cream Cheese, 2 cans of cream of chicken soup. I added a ton of minced Garlic because my husband needs tons of flavor otherwise he douses everything in salt and I find it offending. I also added sliced baby carrots. 4 hours on low on the crockpot while we were at church... when we got back I boiled up some tricolor rotini pasta... and baked some garlic bread... and served my family! A husband with a bottomless pit for food and never gains a pound, a 12 year old son with the same blessed issue, a picky 3 1/2 year old, and myself... and there was enough left over for my husband to take to work for his dinner the next night!! EVERYONE WAS FULL!! THIS in its SELF was an accomplishment! Normally there isn't enough food for everyone. OR there isn't enough flavor so half an hour after dinner my husband and son are raiding the cabinets for flavor. Always makes me feel like dirt. BUT.... now I am on a roll! THANK YOU PINTREST!!

Below is my husbands plate... yummy

Challenge Complete

     10 days of strict eating (yes I cheated a little), 6 days of a horrible sludgy fiber drink in the AM, 7 nights of horse pills, 7 mornings of tiny capsules, plus all the spark I drank (replaces coffee and soda), all the walking and biking.... I won the 10 day cleanse challenge against 7 other people! (I think it was 7, may have been 8.) I lost 2" off my thighs, I can see and feel a change on my backside as well haha, and I can see a difference in my face but my stomach, not so much. My stomach has a lot of work to go yet though. I need to do more for that area, and eating healthier and smaller meals really isn't going to do much for it for some reason... just need to put extra work into it is all.
     Thank you to my big brother for motivating me, caring about my health and worrying about me enough to provide me with the opportunity to try this out, also for providing me with a menu plan and the food for the menu. I couldn't have done it without any of it. I am super excited to continue my journey down this road. I am going to expand my menu a little bit because I really love my Special K cereal's, but those are healthy, so no worries haha. I'm sure I will have other things as well, but nothing like what I was doing before!!
     I am really enjoying my walking, I walk to Christina's in the mornings, and I am going to continue that until it is too cold to do so. I won't have a car anyhow, so it'll be easy to do haha. I will be walking to church on Sunday's plus Wednesday evenings for youth group. I need to find a partner for evening walking, maybe some afternoon walking as well. Hopefully Michelle will be up for it soon. Maybe I can get Christina to take some walks with me. I know how much exercise helps with depression, I just have to motivate her. I know it would help her sleep at night also.
     I pray I come up with the money SOON in order to purchase more products from AdvoCare to keep going in THAT direction. I mean, yes there is plenty I can do at home and on my own. BUT-- with having quit smoking there are some products that will help me keep going. They will also help me continue to boost my system in the right direction. In 3 months I am going to try another cleanse, but I don't know if I want to try the 24 day or just do the 10 day... we shall see.